Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
