I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
