Porn is love you can see.
Soap is not a condiment
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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