i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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