Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
