I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
