He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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