my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
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Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
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I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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