Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
This is classic penis vs brain.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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