Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
