Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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