I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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