I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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