Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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