I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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