hotel room ftw
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
