so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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