My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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