Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
