Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
