Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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