I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
