thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
