I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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