Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
