Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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