Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
