allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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