I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
