It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
