Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
