I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
