Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
