Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
