My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
We have started to decorate penises.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
