you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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