good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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