his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
