new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
