You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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