I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
