Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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