Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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