some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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