There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
