You smell like a Billy Joel song
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Damn victory sex feels great
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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