john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
