Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I forget how to act sober
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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