Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
It's no shave November. This is our time.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
