Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Randomize
