Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
