I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
