There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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