is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
