We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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