i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
