My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
zippers are such a cool invention
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
