I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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