Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
COCAINE IS GR8
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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