So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
